I’ve felt resistance to sharing what I’m about to share for a long time now.
I feel guilty.
I feel like a fraud.
I feel shame.
I feel stupid.
And yet I know, it needs to be said.
Anything you keep inside yourself just builds and builds and builds and you get to the point where you just EXPLODE, and often not in a good way.
I don’t want to explode. I’ve been exploding for years and it doesn’t make me feel very good.
I made a commitment to myself this year that I would share what I needed to share instead of letting it build up inside.
This is the kind of thing that has made me fall asleep crying. It’s stopped me from talking to people I want to talk it. It’s had me avoiding events and even PHONE CALLS with others that I don’t actually want to avoud.
This is the kind of thing that makes me want to run away and hide.
This the kind of thing that honestly (and I know this sounds really fucking ridiculous) just makes me want to quit everything. Drop it all. Forget it ever existed in the first place.
I think to myself:
“Who the hell do you think you are?”
and
“You’re doing it wrong!”
and
“No one likes you.”
and
“Everyone is talking shit about you behind your back.”
And it keeps going –
On and on and on and fucking hell, I just need to get it OUT. It’s been eating me alive for months now.
I was triggered this morning by my friend Phillipa, when she was talking about self-worth and how she is struggling with it a lot right now.
I think we all struggle with self-worth in some way all the time. Normally posts like this get no awareness from me. I just choose not to see them. I choose not to acknowledge that –
I feel worthless.
I feel like my work doesn’t matter.
I feel like I’m wasting my time because no one cares.
And I know it’s selfish and vain and egotistical to think that people SHOULD care about me. Obviously I should be the one who cares about HERSELF, fuck what anyone else thinks.
But –
I care what people think. A lot. I wish I didn’t, but I do. (And you do too, don’t deny it!)
One of my biggest fears is dying of cancer, or someone I love dying of cancer.
And IMMEDIATELY below cancer is someone not liking me.
I HATE the idea of someone not liking me. It makes me want to vomit. I actually cry thinking about those who aren’t happy with me, who I annoyed in some way, who I maybe was a bit “too harsh” with.
And I know that not everyone is going to like me. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care that that’s the case.
I feel such SHAME sometimes.
Shame that I’m acting a certain way. Shame that I’m NOT acting a certain way. Shame that I’m not like that person over there who appears to be perfect in every way.
I feel ANGRY.
Angry at myself that I can’t let this go.
Angry at everyone who makes me feel so angry.
Angry at the world for being so cruel.
Sometimes I wonder why I even have people that follow me. Why do you read the things I write? Why do you listen to my stuff? Why do you join my groups, my programs, my communities?
In all honesty –
I feel like I’m failing every body.
I get these incredibly strong emotions that I can’t seem to move past, especially around my business and my clients.
Every time someone says YES to working with me, I immediately get scared instead of excited.
What if they hate working with me? What if they regret saying yes? What if they don’t like me as much as they thought they did? What if they talk about me behind my back and how awful of a mentor that I am?
Whenever I get on the phone with a client, there are constant thoughts going through my head: Be present 100%, ask them questions, don’t forget what they said on their last call, wait - does their voice sound different this week? Are they annoyed with me? Do they not like me anymore?
And every time I get off of a call with a client, I PUNISH myself.
How did you not remember about that program they mentioned 3 weeks ago?! You’re an awful mentor!
Why didn’t you ask them about their sales for the past week? You suck at this!
Are you CRAZY? You didn’t have a PLAN for the call? You just made them ask you questions!! What the fuck kind of mentor does that?! You need to have a plan for your calls! A system! A strategy! A guideline!
You should quit.
No one is going to hire you again once they see how shitty of a coach you are.
I don’t know why you allowed that person to sign up anyway. They obviously need a better coach like ____ or ____.
You should feel guilty for taking their money.
You should stick to group offers from now on.
Or maybe you should quit coaching altogether. You’re not very good at it at all!
And then a good day turns into a bad day.
And the bad day turns into a bad week.
And in my journal all I do is scream at myself.
And I’m fearful that everyone hates me. Is dissatisfied. Is unhappy. Is annoyed.
People start talking to me less.
Start checking in less.
Start avoiding my messages.
(Or at least, that’s what I’m telling myself.)
And so –
I sabbotage.
Myself.
My success.
My progress.
I do and say things I later regret.
I hurt myself.
I cause pain that only I can feel and I do it repeatedly.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak, but I’m fucking weak. I know my stuff. I AM amazing at what I do, in terms of creating a business and making it profitable.
But I fucking suck at being a person.
I JUST CAN’T with most people. I have 3 people who I REALLY vibe with and can tell ANYTHING to.
Everyone else makes my heart hurt (not intentionally, of course).
And so I retreat.
I back away.
I tell myself I’m shit. That what I’m doing is shit. That the kind of person I am is shit. That my clients think I’m shit.
I’m even vain enough to think that people are talking about me behind my back. And OF COURSE I think they’re doing so in a negative way.
I allow my lack of self-worth to bring me down day after day after day and –
I’m just so tired.
I’m so tired of always trying to be positive.
I’m so tired of hurting myself all the time.
I’m so tired of trying to be perfect.
I don’t now the point of this post. I know I’m “supposed to” make you feel good but I have no good to give. Not today. And I’m not gonna fake it. You deserve better than that.
I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.
I just want you to know that if you feel this way too, that you’re not alone.
There are other people out there who feel the same as you do. People that can help you get through it. Or people who will just be there to listen, if that’s all you need.
And that’s what I’m choosing for myself.
Because I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of the weight I have placed on my shoulders.
There WILL be people who don’t like me. I won’t be happy about this, but I will accept it.
There WILL be clients who are upset with me. I won’t be happy about this, but I will accept it.
There WILL be situations that make me feel sad, angry, annoyed, and frustrated. I won’t be happy about this, but I will accept it.
Because I get to choose how I respond.
I get to choose how I feel (to an extent).
I get to choose what I spend my “fucks” on. And I’m not spending any “fucks” on feeling this way anymore.